We
by Andorian Ice Princess-AIP
Summary: When I told Mac he wasn't in this alone, he wasn't the only one in the room that night I was trying to convince. Stella's thoughts and feelings of what 'we' means to her. My take on last night's moment! eppy 6.1 epilogue SMACKED one-shot.


**Title: WE**

**Summary:** When I told Mac he wasn't in this alone, he wasn't the only one in the room that night I was trying to convince. Stella's thoughts and feelings of what 'we' means to her. My take on it! SMACKED one-shot. Some spoilers for Eppy 1.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Mac Taylor but I wish I did! This is a piece of fan fiction. It is written for pleasure and not for profit. The characters of CSI New York and any other regular cast and supporting cast members all belong to CBS, Paramount & Jerry Bruckheimer and Anthony Zuiker. All other characters are my own. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental.

**A/N:** okay so my take on the 'we' part of the convo between SMACKED! This HUGE smacked shipper breathed a sigh of relief at the few minutes of her and Adam. Couldn't resist putting up something for my fave couple! GO TEAM SMACKED! As most of you know, I love first person POV, so this is all Stella this time. And yes I know I said I had shelved the one shot idea for a bit but sorry eek don't be mad, today me is a happy smacked fan and I had to share!

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My mind races with worry and panic. _Mac and Danny were shot at last night. _Mac! What were you thinking, no backup, no extra call for help. Oh I just want to yell at him that at anytime he can call me and I'll be at his side no questions asked.

However, there was one night; one mistake; one time I wasn't available. The phone had ringed only once and when I finally reached for it, it was _him_, Mac calling me while I was in a place I shouldn't be. Adam Ross's apartment. It just sort of happened and it's something that while at the moment I might have justified that I needed, is something I do regret. Mostly for Adam as inside it meant nothing to me, which is why when I got the call I left. Mac was calling me and I wasn't there; and now my guilt is almost overwhelming. I have been torn since that night to tell him; hell I share everything with Mac, he certainly knows about all the men I have spent time with. But this is his staff, something I should know better than do even contemplate.

I near his office, his back tense, his arms tight and warm eyes; worried. I offer a weak smile. _Can he hear my heart pounding? _And yet when he starts telling me about him and Danny and him being shot at, my mind can only replay that night that he called and I wasn't available. Was that why he didn't call me last night; or even tell me himself today? _Mac, please tell me I haven't driven a wedge between us._

"You are not in this alone Mac," I gently whisper after I remind him of the folly of using solitary terms to discuss his actions. "Don't use those terms. We are in this togther, you are not alone."

"Sometimes it feels like I am," Mac replies with a hint of torment in his usually calm voice. My heart aches in an instant and I long to just put my arms around him and assure him that I meant every word I just said. _He's not alone; and I'll never let him call again and not hear my voice._ Never let him think that I have something more important this his life.

"Anytime Mac, you know you can call."

"Stella, I know that you have a life out..."

"My life includes you Mac. Anytime, no matter what," I try to assure him and he offers me a tight lipped smile. Does he believe me? I wouldn't fault him for not believing me, but at the same time, I do wonder if he does.

He gets a call and soon it's back to another scene as if his worries and concerns were just something he said and didn't expect to be really acknowledged or have any affect on me at all.

Mac looks at me as he nears with a bullet and I can see a hint of pain hiding behind gray-blue. _Talk to me Mac,_ my mind begs. But once again, we're in public and it's something that I would never subject him to; I care too much. _I care about Mac and yet in a stupid moment of weakness I slept with another man, a friend, nothing more_. Could I tell him? Would he ever believe it was a mistake? I mean he traveled half way around the world; offered me a display of affection; opened his private heart and in one night I made it seem like it was nothing.

_We_, my brain echoes. _We_, is me and Mac. _We _is the close bond that Mac and I have built over the past ten years. _We _is not me and Mac and someone else. _We _is just the two of us. _We _is what I want. I have to make not only him believe it, but ensure that nothing happens to destroy that _we_ in my own mind and heart is still alive and strong.

We finish with the scene and I finally wander back to Mac's office. He is standing facing the window, fists on hips, body tense; mind probably in turmoil. He sees my reflection in the glass and turns to face me with a brave, but not genuine smile.

"Thinking about Danny?"

"No, you."

"Me?" I ask with a growing smile. Just the thought that I am on his mind, makes my heart want to beat a little bit faster. "Should I ask in what capacity?" I dare to venture, his tone suggesting it's something other than a pleasant memory.

"Just thinking what would have happened if it had been you shot that night; if you had ended up in the chair instead of Danny. What it would be like to have you shot at and unable to follow."

I look at his handsome face and frown; my heart now racing. _He has been worried about me all this time; wondering how he'd fare without me at his side and my guilt is wanting to come to the fore_.

"I almost feel like saying sorry."

"Why?" Mac arches his brows in wonder. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

_Yes I do,_ I want to yell. "I have lots to be sorry for Mac."

He looks at me in wonder before shaking his head. "We all felt guilt over that night, Stella. And we handled it in differ..."

"What did you do that night Mac? The night you called? I got the call but was um..."

"I just needed to talk, it wasn't important," Mac answers with a sigh, his brow creasing as I take a few steps closer. _Talk? Mac never needs to talk_, at least not at night when I just assume he's either at the office or at him unwinding. But he needed to talk and called me. Damn it! I curse myself. What the hell was I thinking?

"Of course it was important," I insist; mostly for myself. _How could he think it wasn't important_?

"It's no big deal really."

"Tell me now Mac. What was it about?"

"How precious life really is. Angell, Danny, strangers without faces, names..." his voice trails off in silent torment. "I guess that night I just needed to talk."

"Mac, I'm sorr..." I start as I feel my eyes instantly water.

He quickly holds up his hand; once again proving that Mac Taylor, bad ass Mac Taylor, is strong and tough and has no need to show the world around him a weak or tender moment.

"You were busy, it wasn't my.,,"

"It was a mistake," I lightly confess. "I should have been there for you, as I know you have and always will be there for me."

"I won't fault you for it."

"You don't have to," I tell him as I take a few steps close; _I'll do that all on my own_. "I'd like to make it up to you."

"There is no need, really, I'm fine," he offers and I can tell its only half truth.

Without waiting for his next words, I loop my arm in his and he looks at me in surprise but thankfully doesn't turn away. "You are buying me a drink," I tell him. "Because I need to talk."

"Stella..."

"Mac, please don't argue."

"I didn't tell you that to make you feel guilty in any way."

"I want to Mac, for us."

"Stella..." he tries once more.

"Please Mac, let me do this."

"Okay," he answers simply as we head out of his office into the quiet hallway. I don't care who sees or who is judging or watching. I am where I belong, with my best friend; hoping to prove to him that _we_ is still as strong as I know _we_ can be.

"Where are we going?"

"Next door," I answer as we finally detach in the elevator and head down to the main floor. We make light conversation about the case as we head for a small cozy diner that serves light meals and cheap beer. We get inside and take a small table; our first social outing since I can remember.

"Beats a hot dog," Mac smirks and my face lights up as I remember the first meal Mac asked me join him.

"As I recall you paid for that meal and you also lost the bet."

"People I know, dogs not so much," Mac replies and I take immediate comfort in the fact that is posture is finally starting to loosen a little.

"What was it you said, the more people I meet the more I want a dog?" I arch my brows and he chuckles, leaning in a bit closer, my heart once again beating faster. He might not know it; mostly because I don't verbalize it as much as I should, but this man has an instant effect on my emotional state that no other man will ever have.

"You're not a dog person," I gently tease.

"Fish?" He playfully counters.

"For supper maybe," I retort and he's quick to agree.

I love him; inside my heart I know I do. And that's why that night; that mistake with Adam, will forever haunt me.

"Stella?" He asks in concern when my smile turns to a frown as I am reminded of my mistake. No other union has haunted me as much as this. And our actions during and after Greece are to blame. He said he cared about me; what did that mean to me? More than I can ever confess. Oh what the hell have I done?

"Tired Mac, that's all," I confess in half truth.

"We could have done this another night," he tells me warmly.

"Oh we still can, next time it's on you."

"I thought tonight was on me?" He counters.

"You make more."

"Ah so that's it," he smiles as he leans back in the small booth, the waitress finally coming over to take our orders.

"Yes I am after you for your money," I counter and he smirks.

We both order something light and two beers and then settle in to wait.

"You know when Danny and I were on that floor and I saw him fall from the chair, I was torn for a split second. And until he told me to he was fine and to go after the shooter, I almost thought about staying."

"Danny would never fault you for anything, you know that right?"

"Just hard when I went to pick him up. Lifting him into the truck, stowing the chair in the back, god Stella, it's like..." his voice trails off as he looks away. "So much for you talking," he scoffs, his eyes looking back down at the bottle in his hand.

I gently touch his fingers and force his eyes to look up and lock with mine.

"Danny being in that chair is not your fault; you know that right?"

"Stella..."

"Mac, tell me when you are at home at night your thoughts don't condemn you for something you had no control over."

"I see you...on that floor, blood coming from under you and then I see you in that chair, falling out and calling for help. Of course I'm responsible Stella, he's part of my team."

"And as part of your team, he knows the risks, just like me and just like you."

"Still hard to take."

"You wouldn't be human if it wasn't," I squeeze his hand and his eyes look up at me and I am finally rewarded with a warm smile.

"What did you want to talk about?"

"You."

"Me?" Mac asks in surprise. "What about me?"

"Just as of late, the tension and pressure you have been putting on yourself. I know you wanted Dunbrook for this but we proved it wasn't. We'll get whoever is behind this, you know we will. You take things to personally."

"That's all I have."

"That's not all you have Mac. You have a lot more than you might realize."

Mac looks at me and finally his strong fingers wrap around mine, giving me the assurance that my time and words are not offered in vain. Our dinner finally comes and we both make light talk about the weekend; work being pushed aside for until we are finished. Finally we both head outside, into the cool night air; ready to call it a night.

"Feel better?" I ask him warmly.

"Much, thank you."

"Mac, anytime, you know that right?"

"Thanks for the reminder."

I look at him with a warm smile; wanting more than anything to ask him to come with me. _Stay with me tonight Mac,_ my brain wants to offer him. But it's not time yet. _Will our time ever come?_

"Thanks for the meal."

"You paid," I remind him and he nods his head.

"Oh right," he smiles and my mind is finally a peace. Without waiting for permission, I offer him a hug and plant a warm kiss on his rough cheek.

"Stella?" He lightly questions.

And as much as I want this moment to last; to push him up agasint the brick wall and hungrily devour those tempting lips, I can't. I can't offer myself in another display of guilt; I want our union to be the perfect arrangement I know it can be. So with much hesitation I pull back. _Sorry Mac_, my brain laments.

"Goodnight," I whisper as I regrettably pull apart.

"Goodnight," he offers a little out of breath.

He waits until I have gotten into the cab and I offer him a small wave and a warm smile; an internal promise that I will see him tomorrow. I reach home in a state of wonder and exhaustion. _I will tell him_, I tell myself. Someday soon I'll have to tell him. Then I can only pray that _we_ is still as strong then as it is right now. I get ready for bed, my face displaying a happy smile; my mind focused on Mac. Tomorrow I'll make it clear to Adam that that one night can never happen again. I dont want to have Adam feel like it was a waste of my time; but it will be a waste of the future, as it is something that in truth was a mistake. A rash act by two desperate people. _I hate that term, desperate_, my brain chides. And I hate the truth how it pertained to me that night. Never again, that is my promise to Mac. Never again will I take something he offered so willingly; sacraficed hismelf for and treat it as nothing.

_I love Mac_, my brain reminds me as I get into bed and turn out the light. _And I can't allow anything ever again to threathen that._

"Goodnight Mac," I whisper as I do every night; ensuring that my brain falls asleep with the most important word to occupy my thoughts. And for the first time in days; since the shooting, since the mistake; I have some semblance of peace.

I hurry into work the next morning, my mind wondering about the early page from Mac and praying that we can finally put this case to rest.

"Jake Calaveras..." Mac's angry voice states to Flack. "Go get him."

In a matter of hours, it's over; and we can finally have some closure from all this. Adam and I thankfully agreed our one night would remain only that one night, never to happen again. I'm glad that he agreed as I had no intention of a repeat and didn't want things to be strained even more than they might have been.

I take my leave and then head for Mac's office; my mind somewhat at ease that my mistake could now be forgotten, overlooked. I peer at him through the glass; the ever dedicated man once again, his silent call for help reaching out me and I am unable to let him finish alone; an unseen force pushes me toward the door and I enter.

He looks up at me with a soft, cryptic smile and I can't help but once again feel my mind at ease but my heart starting to beat a bit faster. He is finally putting this case to rest; offering some much needed closure to the names and faces that have haunted his waking thoughts for the past number of weeks. I don't offer to help, as I know I don't have to; this is where I belong, with him, at his side; helping as I have been all along.

And while there are no words; no sentences, no thoughts expressed; we both know. _We_ are going to be fine. The looks we exchange; the nearness of our bodies and the smiles we share, the few precious moments of peace and love; careing for each other; all add to the amazing bond that we have grown and will continue to build.

"We...Mac," I finally utter in softness.

"We...Stella," he echoes, his warm blue eyes locked with my fiery green ones.

_We_. It's what's meant to be and one day, _we_, will prove to the world that _we_ needs nothing else. _We _had been decided long ago; Mac and I just need to catch up.

**THE END!**

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**A/N**: Okay so please let me know what you thought. No smex or overly romantic fluff this time, well kinda fluffy but hopefully it made you smile as much as I did. Just had to add a bit to the moments we all loved in last night's eppy. And remember to head over to my SMACKED forum to talk about last night's eppy and what we can expect from season 6 and for our SMACKED.

**PSS:** Target Specific updated on Saturday


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